05.01.2009, 22:24
A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday. She spent $5000 and felt really good
about the results. On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around. As she
was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do
you think I am?"
"About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling really happy.
After that she went into McDonalds for lunch and asked the order taker the same question.
He replied, "Oh, you look about 29."
"I am actually 47!" she said, feeling really good.
While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question. He replied, "I am
85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of
telling a woman's age. If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age."
There was no one around, so the woman said, "What the hell?" and let him slip his hand up
her skirt.
After feeling around for a while, the old man said, "OK, You are 47."
Stunned, the woman said, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"
The old man replied, "I was behind you in line at McDonalds."
A woman heard a great song on the radio called three bells and seven kisses.
Wanting the album, she called the music store. In her haste, she misdialed the number and called the garage instead of the music store.
"Do you have three bells and seven kisses?" she asked.
"No," the man replied, "but I have two balls and seven inches."
"Is that a new record?" she asked.
"I don't think so," said the man, "but it's damn good average."
A pilot, 2 priests and 2 kids are in a plane.
The pilot announces "we're gonna crash! You can all fight over the 2 parachutes in the back".
And with that, he jumped out. The first priest says "Strap t he 2 kids together in one, and you take the other. I'll go down with the plane".
The second priest screams, "Fuck the kids!"
The first replies, "Are you kidding? We don't have time!"
Upon getting to work one morning, seventy-five year old Marvin is reminded by his secretary
that it his wife's birthday today. At lunch, Marvin goes to the local mall and tries to find a gift
for her.
Unfortunately, he realizes that life has been good and she has everything she needs. Upon
passing a lingerie store, Marvin realizes that his wife has never bought any lingerie in her life.
He gets the idea to buy his wife something sexy to make her feel good and young.
Marvin goes into the store and tells the clerk to wrap up the most expensive, sheerest negligee
she has. Marvin takes the gift and excitedly runs home to his wife.
Upon finding her in the kitchen he tells her to take the gift upstairs and unwrap it. He'll wait in
the kitchen. His wife thanks him and goes up to the bedroom.
Once the package is opened she realizes that this is something she's never had before. She also
sees that it is so sheer it leaves nothing to the imagination. She thinks for a moment and then
decides that she'll really surprise Marvin and go downstairs without any clothes on at all. So she
leaves the negligee on the bed and starts down the stairs stark naked.
She calls out, 'Marvin, come out to the hallway and look.'
Marvin walks out to the staircase, looks up at his wife, and exclaims, 'All that money and they
didn't even iron it.'
A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.
About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?" Of course, the wife agrees, they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only eight hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder, asks, "Honey, please . . . just one more time before I die."
She says, "Of course, dear," and they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep. The man, however, worried about his impending demise, tosses and turns, until he's down to four more hours.
He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could . . . ."
At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen, I have to get up in the morning. You don't!"
about the results. On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around. As she
was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do
you think I am?"
"About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling really happy.
After that she went into McDonalds for lunch and asked the order taker the same question.
He replied, "Oh, you look about 29."
"I am actually 47!" she said, feeling really good.
While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question. He replied, "I am
85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of
telling a woman's age. If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age."
There was no one around, so the woman said, "What the hell?" and let him slip his hand up
her skirt.
After feeling around for a while, the old man said, "OK, You are 47."
Stunned, the woman said, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"
The old man replied, "I was behind you in line at McDonalds."
A woman heard a great song on the radio called three bells and seven kisses.
Wanting the album, she called the music store. In her haste, she misdialed the number and called the garage instead of the music store.
"Do you have three bells and seven kisses?" she asked.
"No," the man replied, "but I have two balls and seven inches."
"Is that a new record?" she asked.
"I don't think so," said the man, "but it's damn good average."
A pilot, 2 priests and 2 kids are in a plane.
The pilot announces "we're gonna crash! You can all fight over the 2 parachutes in the back".
And with that, he jumped out. The first priest says "Strap t he 2 kids together in one, and you take the other. I'll go down with the plane".
The second priest screams, "Fuck the kids!"
The first replies, "Are you kidding? We don't have time!"
Upon getting to work one morning, seventy-five year old Marvin is reminded by his secretary
that it his wife's birthday today. At lunch, Marvin goes to the local mall and tries to find a gift
for her.
Unfortunately, he realizes that life has been good and she has everything she needs. Upon
passing a lingerie store, Marvin realizes that his wife has never bought any lingerie in her life.
He gets the idea to buy his wife something sexy to make her feel good and young.
Marvin goes into the store and tells the clerk to wrap up the most expensive, sheerest negligee
she has. Marvin takes the gift and excitedly runs home to his wife.
Upon finding her in the kitchen he tells her to take the gift upstairs and unwrap it. He'll wait in
the kitchen. His wife thanks him and goes up to the bedroom.
Once the package is opened she realizes that this is something she's never had before. She also
sees that it is so sheer it leaves nothing to the imagination. She thinks for a moment and then
decides that she'll really surprise Marvin and go downstairs without any clothes on at all. So she
leaves the negligee on the bed and starts down the stairs stark naked.
She calls out, 'Marvin, come out to the hallway and look.'
Marvin walks out to the staircase, looks up at his wife, and exclaims, 'All that money and they
didn't even iron it.'
A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.
About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?" Of course, the wife agrees, they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only eight hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder, asks, "Honey, please . . . just one more time before I die."
She says, "Of course, dear," and they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep. The man, however, worried about his impending demise, tosses and turns, until he's down to four more hours.
He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could . . . ."
At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen, I have to get up in the morning. You don't!"